All the latest news from the alternative world of sport
The Men's European International wall headbutting Championships 2020
From Munchinbacksteinundmörtel, Germany
Reporting live in Germany our ace
reporter and ex-
Well, folks, it is unbelievable the standard of wall headbutting going on here in Germany. The two-time World Champion from Wales Daffidol Shitfirbrains was in top form and for the first time in his career managed to take the Gold medal and European title in the Section A Moron Division. His prize is €46 and a full-body cat-scan.
New European Champion and already World champion the Welshman Daffidol Shitfirbrains
Runner-up this time was champion elect four years ago, Italian Luca Tamibump, he received €22 and a brain-scan for his prize. Third Prize went to Israeli newcomer Akiva Headache. He received a head rub for his prize and troubles.
The competition was not without controversy. The Russian athlete Ayatoly Korsakov entered and probably the ugliest competitor ever was disqualified when it was later discovered he was, in fact, a mountain goat in a raincoat.
Referee and former champion Belgian Noah Brainsleft admitted they had made a colossal mistake, he remarked:
'I vont to say vat een cock-up, cheating Russian barstools.'
(left) Luca Atamibumpo and (right) Akiva Headache
There was also hinted that steroids might have been involved, but both these remarks were later revoked after the angry Russian team let Anatoly loose and he chased Noah around the car-park until he said he was sorry.
Winner Daffidol was paraded around the town in an open-top lunatic-asylum van. He was seen smiling and also drooling and mumbling gibberish. We understood that to be: He'd be back in 4 years
Sponsored by Paddedwal Paracetamol
The Men's European International wall headbutting Championships 2020 Results
Section A Moron Division
1st Daffidol Shitfirbrains (Wales)
2nd Luca Atamibump (Italy)
3rd Akiva Headache (Isreal)
disq: Ayatoly Korsakov (Russia)
Junior Halfwit Division
1st Emmett Von Ziegelwand (Germany)
2nd Remy La Tête (France)
(left) disqualified Russian athlete Ayatoly Korsakov. The ugliest competitor ever. (below middle) Junior winner Emmett Von Brick (Germany) and (below right) French runner up Remy La Tête
In the Junior category Local German lad Emmett Von Ziegelwand just pipped French lad Remy La Tête to the title. Winning by a slight concusion and a nosebleed.
Next year the Woman's Championship will be taking place in Kahramanmaraş (Turkey). If they can find any competitors.
Action from today's competition
Some action shots from today, just to give an impression of the intensity of the European Championships
(top left) African born Swedish Athlete
(top right) New European Champion Welshman Daffidol Shitfirbrains prepares to deliver his championship headbutt.
(left) The pressure of the competition was just too much for some.
(right) a competitor warming up in the practice room
(bottom left) the prizes competitors received after the competition
(bottom right) crowds at the medal ceromony
When you think...
Holy f*#k do I have a f**king hangover
Then it's time to reach
for the best...Paddedwal
Further in the Sport yesterday
The Vatican All-In tag team Wrestling Championships
Yesterday at the Vatican Sports arena, the yearly Tag-team wrestling Championships were held.
But for the 100th time reigning champions Pope Bert and his partner God were victors.
Cardinal Pepe La Panflute, who is partnered by Archbishop Desmond Toottoot, said yesterday after loosing the final..."Illic est non solum hos duos quosdam caedentes suo sancto, et in cunctis ad quae simpliciter optima forti"...and he has a point.
But rumours of match fixing are also going around, but on this God's coach Jesus said
"Oro te, et auferetur gentibus nothi,"
The Oor Wullie Haggis pooping competition 2019 Cancelled
there were high hopes and mass excitement as to who could produce this year's best haggis and defeat last years winner Farts O'Doonagain, but due to bouts of diarrhoea, the competition had to be cancelled. Judge Hoots Mon said: "They were just too runny and you couldn't get a good hold of it."
So after this decision,
all the competitors
and judges just got pished
on cheap whisky. Later it
was announced who next
year's sponsors were to be.
The results of the Dutch bobsleigh Championships
Yesterday at the Slideyasfuckery Ice Arena near Rotterdam, the National Dutch bobsleigh championships were held and as an added bonus a chance to represent the Netherlands in the bobsleigh in next year's Olympic games.
Above is a photo of overall winner Franz Vingerindadyke (see photo) who slid to win this championships in his clog shaped bobsleigh.
Full winners list
Men: Franz Vingerindadyke
Women: Les Bo van Lickerpussy
Mixed: Cock and Eva Prawn
SHORT SPORT NEWS
At the Short Arse Athletic meet today 28 year-old Vermon Puken-burger from America broke the World high jump record, by vaulting a house. After receiving the award Vermon remarked,
"Fucked if I know how I managed that..."
Vermon's coach remarked,
"springy little fucker isn't he?"
Below a photo of Vermon making that historic jump,
Hokey Cokey Wars
A war has broken out between the Ultra right leg Hokey Cokey society and the deep left leg Hokey Cokey appreciators as to which leg goes in first and this row threatens to totally split the world of Hokey Cokey
Hokey Cokey instructor and head of the International Hokey Cokey
legless society Shake Gibbons O'Flatulant gave us his totally professional and unbiased opinion
"Who really gives a flying fuck, I know I don't."
He is a man of few words, he talks better through his arse.
But it's not so simple for the 2 angry parties And yesterday a massive street brawl broke out when the rival demonstrating groups met face to face. Apart from the legs flying in, the right and left arms were also put in. Even some people were seen shaking them all about.
It was round about the time the angry mob started turning around that the riot squad moved in to clear the area.
Issues of who is right (or left) have still not been resolved.
by Fritz Turnaround
Angry scenes as the two rival gangs went face to face. This photo was taken only seconds before they started shaking it all about
He's just so fuckin' angry
Comrades, it is so fucking hard for me to put into words how fuckin' angry I really am, today. I mean what the
fuck is wrong with society today, when no cunt has the common decency to say Thank you anymore, it's like it's a fucking crime to say it. Our culture today is just one big fucking narcissistic ball of cunts. I'm alright you fuck yourself attitude and what about your fascist Governments, the wank stains make me want to stick fireworks up my bottom and go into the houses of parliament and fart. Blow the fucking place up.
Don't get me started on fat people who stop smoking and go on a health kick, but turn into grumpy fat fucks...have a cigarette you miserable pig fart, but I said don't get me started and you bastards let me get started. What the fuck is wrong with you, you cunts.
And the fascist media, folks. Turn your fucking TV off, you are being brainwashed, you utter sheep. Why are people so gullible to believe what their masters and the fascist media tell you to believe. Waking up morons before we are all dead.
Fuck this, I have had enough trying to educate you fucking cretins. Go fuck yourselves and power to the people.
Hello Sweetie's, Koko here and I want to change your life
forever and to prove to you do not have to pay an arm and a leg to look fresh and groovy and a million dollars. Welcome to OUT OF FASHION. Look at Cecil Cuntingham (or Ethel as he likes to be called). Doesn't He/she/it only spent a few pennies on permanent markers and see how gorgeous he/she/it looks...stunning. Like I said it does not have to cost much to be stunning.
Cecil/Ethel/it looking stunning in this permanent marker dress
Today I have had a brainwave or was it a wash and blow permanent wave; I can never tell these two apart as they both so stimulating. No, I remember it now, it was a brainwave. What do we do with the trash...we throw it away. WRONG!, We wear it
I have come up with the perfect morning, evening or nightwear for that person who loves roaming the streets
Check out my lovely models: Claire, Hoover and Suzy Poo (right) being sucked into this new craze, don't they model my latest sensation beautifully. I feel it is gonna be a big sensation in Hollywood. My friends this is taking recycling to the next level. Or what about Nionay Tits (left) wearing my new creation looks like it's a million dollars, hopefully, it will make that for me. (below) we can see Jasmine wearing my new workwear. You see it can be worn in all walks of life.
Well, that's it for this time, my beautiful children I really do hope I can inspire you to do something on your appearance, I really do, you look hellish...ha ha ha only kidding (not). So until next time, wear it with pride. Toodle pip