The Foddleburg East Bi-elction
presented by Tricky Dicky Nixersindahand
watched by Cindy Arse and Clarence Ears
(who did feck all, just watched...lazy bastards)
F.F. Proudly present the candidates for
Introfuction
Hello, good evening, welcome, Willkommen, Bienvenue, come aboard because when you hear the clinkin’ of the glasses, It’s Tricky on the bottle of the abandoned and depressed! (go on guess the theme song I stole that from). Hello my fellow rasberians and in the shadow of those two lazy bastards, Cindy Arse and Clarence Ears, we bring you, the latest news, the info about the candidates, the word from the street, the jive talk, the rumours on the upcoming Foddleburg east Bi-elections. Who's hot, who's not, who's in who's out and who just likes to shake it all about. But there is one thing I can guarantee you they are all lying bastards...cough! whispering...I do apologise it seems they are all good believable law-abiding citizens. If you believe that you'll believe all their crap...whack!! stick over the head sound...Ouch! Trickey is not enjoying the show so far. Anyway, let's get the show started before I receive more bodily harm...
* * * THEME SONG * * *
Below are the candidates, you choose, I need a drink...hic! cheers!
OUR PREDICTIONS
Our experts have spent month pretending to look into the facts to prepare this graph.
All they did was make it up 5 minutes ago, but anyway here it is...
The makeyupymeansfukal Graph
What can we deduce from this graph...well honestly not a fucking thing, although we can see there is a squiggly line and a straight one as well, so that surely must mean something, but for actual factual advice...I don't have a bloody clue and I have tried to speak to our experts but they just talk gibberish and giggle a lot, it is very childish and very unprofessional of them.
Here are our experts heading for bed after their bath and after drawing the graph
So I got out my colouring pencils and decided to make a graph of my own, and I think mines is better. So take that to sleepy bye-bye land you little shits
Mind you it still means fuck all...sigh!!!
Bedtime for Dicky as well, he's hammered
Raulf Overmeshoes
THE ALKIES PARTY
Promises: Free alcohol for everyone
Against: bar closing times and no pishing in the street
votes last time: 21,002
Our Prediction: will do rather well, when the pubs shut
Desmond Toottoottrain
THE NATIONAL CHURCH PARTY
Promises: free communion wine for the religious fanatics
Against: The Alkies Party (especially Raulf Overmeshoes)
votes last time: 32 and a half (the midget vote)
Our Prediction: Jesus says he'll win..he won't
Ronald Raygonovski
THE EAST FODDLEBURG COMMIE PARTY
Promises: crush the bourgeoisie power happy rich nobs
Against: people who say the word fridge
votes last time: 2
Our Prediction: will shout a lot but not many votes
Chuck Mansome
THE FUCKING MENTAL PARTY
Promises: being aggressive to anyone near him
Against: being aggressive to anyone near him
Votes last time: 40, but he was in jail, so it didn't count
Our Prediction: 10 to life
Daisy Duke
THE BIG JUGS PARTY
Promises: taking her boobs out if she wins
Against: wearing a bra
Votes last time: 2.3 million (but this was controversial)
Our Prediction: she will win hands down and boobs out
Ethel & Betty Stucky
THE SIAMESE TWIN LINO LICKER LESBIAN PARTY
Promises: Wiser decisions coz 2 heads better than one
Against: the other head
Votes last time: 432
Our Prediction: I would do the heads, fuck the vote
Patrick McEwens
THE NICEY NICEY PARTY
Promises: To make bedtime compulsory at 9 o'clock
Against: hanky panky on Sunday's
Votes last time: 8
Our Prediction: 8 votes (his family)
Well, folks, these are your candidates for the Foddleburg East Bi-Election. Who do you fancy? I know who I do, and man, I would do her and her other head in a heartbeat, but that's just me. You decide for yourself.
Note from the producer: Tricky had one more thing to ask before being sent to bed
Let's ask the common
man in the street, what he think of the candidates!
They're all shyte!!!
Remember folks; your vote does count, so please go out and vote, otherwise shut the fuck up
about how shit you think
the Government is.
Rock n Roll, fuckers
Thank you Foddleburg
and good night!!
This one has been sent to bed, without
cocoa, he is
totally rat-arsed
FOR ALL YOU FORGETFUL FUCKERS
- Is your memory not what it used to be
- does it let you down, time and time again
- then we have the solution for you
PSYCHOLOGY CORNER with Fartz
(Carl Jung's smelly and really stupid brother)
The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself concretely
From his book: Mafia Psychology and swimming with the fishes
Are Aliens living in our toilets?
This is a topic being discussed at the Smart-arse and Brainy Sods Society,
a chapter at the University of F.U.D.S. (the Foddleburg University of Demented Stupidness)
Why? I hear you ask. Good question and believe me; the answer is simple. Have you ever left the toilet and thought to yourself: Hell No!, there is no way I could have produced such an odour, that smell, it is out of this world. Well, folks, you would be correct. Some people are seriously just
rotten from inside; you can even say they are unhuman. You see now where the society is going with this. There is no other reason why we sometimes smell so bad. Aliens are sneaking into our bathrooms and having a shit. Another thing the society at F.U.D.S. is concerned about is that these aliens might now be venturing outside to go shopping or eat babies. I mean look at Zoobzoob La Moron (above), and Ego Zithead 2XY (right) spotted at ASDA's earlier this week. Don't tell me they are human. The society hopes to produce a paper, later this week, that will explain their findings and I think it might shock a few.
So remember next time you stink bad in the toilet, tell that alien you know they are there and that it's cool. You know they come in pees.
Oops!!
I shat it again
proof as she is seen getting out of her car at hotspot the Coco Thongo club, you can cleary see she would have filled her pants if she had been wearing any at all, dirty bitch
Poor poor Britney Spears has been through the wars in her life and reports are now been aired that she has once more fallen into the problems as it was revealed she had an anal problem...she shits herself. The photo left is the
Our Wahlie's cooking like Gran
A meal not everyone's Gran used to make
today's culinary feast:
Minge and Tatties
continued from page one
16-YEAR-OLD CINDY INCIDENTLY HELD CAPTIVE & TORTURED!!!
"The sick mind of a notorious criminal is something us nice good law-abiding citizens will never really comprehend. But when the said criminal is a boring, tedious, irritating, monotonous bastard, we are talking yawnsville of a scale of 1 to 10, him being a 42...well, that is not even readable in the works of either Sigmund Freud or Carl Jung".
These are the words of World Famous Psychologist Dr Siegmund Brain Von Hugeazfeck.
He was studying the case of Cindy Insidently, who was held captive in his dungeon by Cedric Bore for more than 5 days.
She was tied and tormented by Bore, who forced her to listen to tapes of someone scrap-ing their nails down a blackboard. Evil as this may seem, it was not everything. Due to the number of fillings in Cindy's teeth, she was also forced to chew on silver paper as wel, and worse of all listen to some very early recording of Zeek and Giz for hours at a time...wicked
Cindy pictured through the basement window,just before being released
The arrest was made by P.C. Al O'Aloalo. He was later questioned for putting the boot in during the arrest but denied all charges saying the culprit fell. Something the accused admitted later while being chocked in a neck lock.
Mr Bore is to appear in court next Wednesday and hopefully be charged for being an evil boring bastard.
The crown prosecution had asked that he receives the maximum sentence. a pirana bath, a good rub down with a sanding machine and some hot chilli sauce wipped on his penis head, but seemingly that is not allowed and it will probably just be ticking off and a 2 pound fine
We will print news, if and when we have more information
brought to you by Nosy Chunts news service
Notorious gang member Pedro Crakacarwindow has been sentenced to 40 years in the Foddleburg Jail for Bad Bastards for urinating in the garden of Judge Jugs Enormous and then over the Judge herself and then over her poodle Feefie and also the bodyguard and then the arresting Policemen and also the staff Sargent, the three other inmates, then over his lawyer and this reporter.
When questioned about this alleged offence he simply
answered: 'I really really needed., that's all." Pedro is still in custody awaiting his trial and also another visit to the little boy's room. Where all this pee is coming from no-one knows. But he is still pishing buckets full.
On sale next Tuesday for the
animal lover & horny farmer
The latest edition of Playsheep.
Fill your dreams with wool
this month's centrefold Muffy
Please join me on
Sargeant Leper's
the snow. Now if that is not romantic, then we do not know what love is. Or what about Fatima Whitbreadrolls (above).
Fatima was arranged to be sold for marriage by her parents for 2 sheep and a goat, but the prospective marriage candidate chose to marry the goat instead. Even though it is hard to see in her good eye, Fatima, who is 14, was heart-broken. She is a loving mother of 4 children, She loves cooking, cleaning, walking her pet sheep, her pet hate is shaving.
If you would like to apply to meet one of those horr...beauties, please fill out an application form follow this link.
Well, Sargeant Leper, the dating guru is asking for your attention once again for those two lonely hearts, just looking for love.
On our left Fooka Gotmafootshotov. The ex Russian champion weightlifter and K.G.B. agent. Fooka is 28 and likes to wrestle crocodiles, drink buckets of homemade vodka and dress like a hippy. She also hopes the man of her dreams can pee her name in
Dundee, Alkmaar, Cabannes
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