Page 1

SHENALE

For the travo with nails probs

Up Khyber-pass Alley

2nd door on the left

ask for Ramona

done like a

real bitch

for only

€10

SHOCK! AS MAN CLAIMS

HE IS EXPECTING A BABY!!

The story itself is strange enough because Fred who is 72-years-old does not remember being impregnated.

"It could have happened about 7 months ago when I went for a dump in that motorway restroom. I was really needing and I had to share a cubical with a Turkish wrestler who was greasing up for his match. Abdula promised he would only use his finger"

Abdula Shishkabad-bongo, when approached, did comment but did murmur

"May the balls of the randy camel ejaculate on your Grandma's grave."

He was later seen boarding a plane heading for South America, looking worried.

So we contacted Fools Funnybone health specialist Dr Uganda Vagina and he said

"Good grief, the feckin' loons are down from the trees early this year"

After he stopped laughing, he pointed us the direction of World Famous Psychologist Dr Siegmund Brain Von Hugeazfeck. He is the leading specialist in Pregnology and shagging, he said

"It is fake news, I know this moron. He's just a fat bastard who eats t0o much. I have prescribed him fart pills and I bet after Porky has had a good shit, something will drop"

Well, we here at the Fools Funnybone really feckin' hate selling fake news to our readers, but since this tabloid is free we went with the story even though it seems we were taken for a ride by the fat bastard.

UPDATE: We here at the newsdesk have received the news he is no longer pregnant, no

Mr Dangleberry now claims he has given birth to an 8lb brown baby, but we refused to fall for the fat bastards tricks again and have blocked his phone calls.

According to Dr Brain Von Hugeasfeck: Fred had just had a massive shit.

Mr Fred Dangleberry of South Foddleburg (left) made an astonishing announcement only 3 days ago. When he told family and friends that he was pregnant and expecting a baby

Thou shalt not half-inch someone else's shit

24 hours-a-day, 7 days-a-week we are on the job.

When we take care of your problem, we take care of you

Do you need a loan? Or someone took care of?

Are you being harassed? Then we can help you.

THE THREE BEERS VERSUS GOLDILOCKS COURT CASE VERDICT EXPECTED LATER TODAY

Miss Locks of no fixed abode denies all charges, claiming she had been drugged and kidnapped by the fairies and that the 3 bears were in complot with the fairies and especially pa had abused her on numerous occasions

An accusation that received Pa the eye and a good ole thumping from ma bear

The Bears claimed that Miss Locks ate the food they had left out to cool while they were gone.

Mr & mrs Bear have been talking about their ordeal. When after a family picnic gathering, they returned to find suspect Goldie Locks lying in their bed. They also claimed she had raided and ate their winter food supply

"But she didn't eat it all", pa bear explained, "she took one bite and spat it back in the bowl.she said it was too hot or salty or words to that effect. Except for Baby's food, she ate that, because as she said and I quote: it was just right"

Ma Bear added "I had just cleaned the house and made the beds and they had all been slept in," It was then that Ma Bear broke down in tears.

Miss Locks caught on video causing mayhem in the Bears family home

The lawyer for the bears Mr B. B. Wolf commented. "It is time the world knew the truth about Miss Locks, she has been terrorising this woods for years."

The verdict is to be announced later today

The word on the pavement

Con R. Tist

Dai O'Reea of Womble Rd has been arrested in connection to a series of toilet crimes in the East area of town. He is charged with spray shitting on parked cars. When asked why he did it, Dai said,

"I have a gift"

This shit just got real as he'll appear in court later this morning, that is if he can stay out of the shithouse for long enough

MAN SHITS ON CARS

ADDAMS CELEBRATE ANNIVERSARY

Gomez and Morticia Addams (pictured left) have just celebrated their 226th wedding anniversary, and as you can see from the photo, they are as much in love as the day they first met. What is their secret? Fuck knows, and they aren't talking

SEAN CONMANERY TOO SLOW FINE

Film star and former super-spy James Pond has been arrested for going too slow down the M1 in his clapped up old banger. When questioned about the incident Mr Conmanery replied

"itsh jusht the shpeed my legsh will take meesh."

At the time of the interview he was sucking on a boiled sweet

TV GUIDE

FoddleTV 1

5.00 p.m.

Gobbing on Granny

Hilarious family quiz show

6.00 p.m.

News and Weather

What has happened in Foddleburg

7.00 p.m.

Crosslegs

The soap about a hotel where hanky panky is about

8.00 p.m. till God knows when

Politics with Arse & Ears

The result of the Foddleburg East bi- elections. Interviews and shit, with Cindy Arse and Clarence Ears

FoddleTV 2

5.00 p.m.

Thick or what?

super new quiz show, people think they are gonna win some great prizes, but in fact they win fuck all. Thick or what?

5.30 p.m.

She fucking hates you

Candy Cummings helps men to reunite with an ex girlfriend...not a hope

6.00 p.m.

Movie Night: Close encounters of the slurred mind

A film about really tedious and dull aliens who try to make contact with even more uninteresting people.

film duration: 6 and a half hours

00.30 a.m.

All Night Wank-a-thon

for the lonely, creepy pervy utter bastards amongst us. 8 hours of Porn

SKY Foddleburg

5.00 p.m.

Some garbage for the brainless

9.00 p.m.

Star Peck the space bird movie

* programmes subject to time changes*

This time Porn star Lovaleeta Lickafeeta

THAILAND IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS

As I return home from a well earned holiday away from willies and hairy bums, I must say it's great to be home from a holiday in hell filled willies and hairy bums, but the difference is, in Thailand, they are sweaty and sticky, but not in a nice porno way, no these are humid and smell of transvestite, and though in my work I don't mind being shat on, it's not what you expect on your holidays, fucking waitors. So I will not be going back there, unless I have to!

The holiday of a lifetime

brought to you by

Tonight on

FODDLE TV 1

(From 8 p.m. until very fucking late indeed)

the results of the Foddleburg East bi-election with top political reporters,

Cindy Arse and Clarence Allears

Lost or found articles or persons wanted for work. Check out

THE SMALL ADS

Local zillionaire to open new shopping centre

Local business man and sanitare tycoon Mustuva Shitzoon (pictured right) has revealed plans to open a super modern new shopping centre in the centre of town. Mr. Shitzoon explained yesterday at a press meeting:

"ममैं सिर्फ वही करता हूं जो मैं चाहता हूं,

क्योंकि मैं अमीर हूं और क्योंकि आप किसान हैं "

but since no one there or at the Fools Funnybone can speak Hindi, we just guessed he said he was happy to do it for the community and local business.

Mr. Shitzoon made his fortune seeling toilets seats etc and now his advertisement slogan 'YOUR ASS IS MINE' is worldwidely known and is a household saying.

NOT PLAIN SAILING

When we caught up with Mr Shitzoon on his luxury yacht, we explained it would not all be plain sailing to get the project completed, as he was facing stiff opposition from the local Catholic church, which is exactly next door to where the centre is to be built,

but Mr Shitzoon just laughed and said

मुझे परवाह नहीं है कि एक ऊंट की बूंदों का बेटा

क्या कहता है। मैं जहां चाहूंगा, वहां निर्माण करूंगा

When we approached the church for their views, we received an email from his holiness Pope Argie Bargy (pictured above). It said:

Stultus quoque si ponere voluerit in lateribus, mittemus facie gravis MANIPLUS camelus Donec circum

Which really pissed us off, because we had hoped to bring you an exclusive, but since everyone it speaking in a language only they understand, then they can all go fuck themselves.

We ask the public to help us catch and kick, cough! I mean detain evil bastards who are roaming the streets of our beloved city

But first we would like to thank the public for helping us to blow up the balloons for the annual Policemanball.

Thanks for your wind and support.

Mrs. June Shitfield happily blowing

Apart from the fact it made the party look really pretty, we managed to bag 23 drunk drivers. So as you can guess we had a great party afterwards

case 293: Harry 'the Hatchet' Gardener

nickname: wee scary fat bastard

height: 3 foot 5 inches

weight: 23 stone

description: see his nickname but with

add a hatchet in his hand

crime: chopping people at the knees

with his hatchet and burying

them in a garden

On spotting the suspect: run like fuck

Missing and found

Found: 1 whip, 1 leather mask, 1 rubber willy, 1 roll tape, 1 toilet brush, 243 condoms and a police whistle.

If the owner of the aforementioned items would come and reclaim them. He or she will be immediately be arrested. Dirty Bastards

Finally, my fellow Foddleburgians, Bi-elections East is apon us and we have today on page 2 all about the candidates and the garbage they have promised us.

POLITICAL GARBAGE

by Tricky Dicky Nixersindahand

Stinky Meditation Guru

In the words of Chief Keizer of the local Police Force Constabulary Thingy:

"I predict a riot"

And thank Christ he said it, because I don't have a bloody clue what is going on.

Hopefully, Nurse Ratarse will bring me alcohol or some medication. But like I said today is the today and I can predict that there might be a surprise on the cards tonight, but, I know whom I might be voting for, the one with the 2 melons and she is not the fucking greengrocer.

FOLKS VOTE AS IT DOES COUNT

Kenfucky Flied Chickie reveal the secret to what makes their chicken taste so tender & moist

Fast-food chain Kenfucky Flied Chickie has revealed today their secret ingredient for their tasty moist chicken.

They pay their employees extra to penetrate the chicken making them moist from inside.

A spokesman for the fast-food franchaise denied that this was against any law and that people were flocking to eat their chicken.

They also claimed all penisses were washed before penetration.

two empolyees hard at work seasoning the chickens

Further in this edition of the Fools Funnybone

Our Wahlie's

cooking like

Gran used to do

recipes not everyone's Gran used to make

page 2

SPORT SPECIAL

The Men's European International wall

headbutting Championships 2020

Reporting live in Germany our ace

reporter and ex-

European champion

Smasher Spazhead

page 3

starting

today on

page 3

16-YEAR-OLD CINDY INCIDENTLY HELD CAPTIVE & TORTURED!!!

A news story has reached the newsdesk that shocked even us, but before we reveal it, readers with a squeamish disposition must be warned, it might make you totally pure sick or even worse, farty

Young Cindy Incidentally from Washyfeet-on-sea has been rescued from the most terrifying of ordeals, one that lasted a little over 5 days.

She was held captive by demon criminal Cedric Bore. He is known to Police as the most annoying bastard alive. The culprit subjected the victim to forcefully listen to hours of tapes of someone scratching their nails down a blackboard. But that is not all

The Police were able to rescue the young victim after neighbours complained that the culprit had been even more annoying than usual and was getting on everyone's tits.

Upon investigating the situation the Police found young Cindy tied up and locked inside of Bore's creepy dungeon. They immediately released the girl and arrested Cedric Bore. He will appear in Foddleburg Crown Court sometime this week, but not until he has had a few good thrashings from our boys in blue....

continued on Page 2

Cedric Bore posing in his dungeon of terror

The Smelly fingers school of fuckery

Holiday weekend offers

€20

wetsuit and a spanking

€10

Daily

Wank

€5

sand-paper rub

MANICURE (or wank)

Feels the soft hands of young Thais lady boys

who will pull your tagger

BOOKING

PEDICURE FETISH

Your feet licked by some old Grandad or Granny without teeth

BOOKING

ANAL (dirty bastard)

As many fingers as you would like. rings will be removed for comfort

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